The Connection Between Anxiety and People-Pleasing
By Gina Porter, LPC
Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” when you really wanted to say “no”? If this is a frequent challenge for you, you may struggle with people-pleasing. People-pleasing isn’t just about being nice—it’s often a coping mechanism rooted in anxiety. For many high-achieving, empathetic people, pleasing others becomes second nature. But over time, this can lead to burnout, resentment, and a sense of disconnection from yourself.
Read on to understand the connection between anxiety and people-pleasing—and how healing starts with boundaries, self-trust, and a willingness to tolerate discomfort.
What Is People-Pleasing, Really?
People-pleasing often looks like:
Saying yes to requests, even when you’re exhausted
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Constantly worrying about how others perceive you
Prioritizing others’ needs while neglecting your own
On the surface, people-pleasing can seem like selflessness. But underneath, people-pleasing is often a form of anxious self-protection. It can be a strategy to avoid guilt/shame, rejection, or judgment. If you keep everyone else happy, the logic goes, you’ll be safe. People-pleasing can also be rooted in the subconscious thoughts of, “If the other person is happy, then I can be okay”.
The Anxiety That Drives People-Pleasing
Anxiety is the fear of what might happen. And for people-pleasers, that “might” often centers on social consequences:
What if they’re mad at me?
What if they think I’m selfish?
What if I disappoint them?
To calm that anxiety, many may default to over-accommodating others. The momentary relief of keeping the peace or getting someone’s approval feels good—at least temporarily. But over time, this creates an anxiety loop:
Anxiety rises at the thought of disappointing someone.
People-pleasing behavior kicks in to reduce the discomfort.
Relief is short-lived, and boundaries get further blurred.
Resentment, exhaustion, or self-doubt eventually surface.
This cycle keeps anxiety and self-abandonment in motion.
Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?
People-pleasing usually has deep roots. For many, it begins in childhood:
Growing up in a home where love or attention felt conditional
Being praised for being “easy,” “helpful,” or “good”
Experiencing unpredictability or emotional neglect as a child
In those environments, being attuned to others’ moods and needs may have felt necessary. It made sense to avoid rocking the boat. As adults, though, those same patterns can leave you feeling invisible in your own life.
The Cost Of Chronic People-Pleasing
When people-pleasing becomes your default, it can affect your mental and physical health in profound ways:
Chronic anxiety and feeling on-edge in your relationships
Low self-esteem (your worth becomes tied to others' opinions)
Emotional suppression, leading to disconnection from your needs and potentially becoming irritable or angry easily
Burnout from constantly doing too much
Difficulty making decisions because you're not sure what you want
One of the hardest parts is that it can feel selfish to stop. But honoring your needs isn’t selfish—it’s sustainable.
Breaking the Cycle of People-Pleasing
Here’s the good news: people-pleasing is a pattern, not a personality. It’s something you learned, and that means it can be unlearned. Here are a few steps to begin shifting the dynamic:
1. Notice the Anxiety Behind the “Yes”
Ask yourself: Am I agreeing because I truly want to—or because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t? This pause gives you the power to respond, rather than react.
2. Start with Low-Stakes Boundaries
You don’t have to start by saying no to your boss or best friend. Try it in smaller ways: declining a social invite, speaking up about a preference, or taking a break even if someone’s waiting on you.
3. Tolerate the Discomfort
The hardest part isn’t setting the boundary—it’s sitting with the guilt or anxiety afterward. It can be helpful to develop some reassuring statements for yourself to cope with the discomfort after you’ve set a boundary. Working with a licensed therapist for people-pleasing can help you do this.
4. Connect with Your Values
What matters more to you: being liked or being well? Think about your close relationships, such as family or significant others- does people-pleasing and burning yourself out contribute to your relational health with your family? Chances are, if you’re burned out, you’re not showing up as your best self for your loved ones. If family or close relationships are a priority, you may need to start saying “no” to other things in order to prioritize those close relationships. Let your values guide you, not your fear.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
You’re not “bad” for struggling with this. People-pleasing was likely your best attempt at staying connected, safe, and feeling “okay”. But it’s time to learn a new way of doing things, and that takes courage.
But Am I Being Selfish If I’m Not People-Pleasing?
This is one of the most common worries clients share when they start setting boundaries and breaking the patterns of people-pleasing. The idea of saying no or prioritizing your needs might trigger guilt—or even fear of being seen as rude, cold, or selfish. Even in faith-based communities, this can be a subject that people struggle with as they may be under the impression that you are to live your life serving and sacrificing for others.
But here’s the truth: taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care about others. It means you’re learning to care about yourself too. That’s not selfish—it’s sustainable. The Bible says to “love your neighbor as yourself”. You can’t love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself! How can you give away something that you don’t have?
Shifting your internal narrative around selfishness is part of the healing. Boundaries are not walls—they’re doors that let others know how to connect with you more safely and respectfully.
Need support untangling anxiety from people-pleasing?
Reach out today to start working with a therapist who understands high-functioning anxiety, people-pleasing, and the pressure to be everything for everyone.
